I just finished reading "His Majesty's Dragon" by Nomi Novik this weekend and fell in love. I've never been a big fan of History in general and that subject was my most difficult in school. However Ms. Novik has brought the Napoleonic wars to life for me. I'm not going to go on and on about how much I enjoyed this book, just check it out. While you are at it, check out her interview in SciFi Magazine. It seems she's been "picked up" by Hollywood. Man I would love to see a movie of her story.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Gravity
"Gravity is working against me
And Gravity ... wants to bring me down.
Oh I'll never know ... what makes this [wo]man
With all the love that [her] heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away.
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much, ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more ...
Gonna send me to my knees
Oh gravity, stay the HELL away from me
And gravity has taken better [wo]men than me
(now how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is.
~John Mayer
And Gravity ... wants to bring me down.
Oh I'll never know ... what makes this [wo]man
With all the love that [her] heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away.
Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down
Oh twice as much, ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like one half could
It's wanting more ...
Gonna send me to my knees
Oh gravity, stay the HELL away from me
And gravity has taken better [wo]men than me
(now how can that be?)
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is.
~John Mayer
Thursday, May 17, 2007
My Life Update
Well it's been another long period with no postings. No reason other than I've just been reading lots of other blogs and not concentrating on my own. Because of the long time span between posts, I thought I just talk about how the fam's doing.
First there's my dad, the 69 yr old grump of the family that we lovingly call "The Grouch." He is doing pretty good. No hospital visits for over 6 months. Hooraayy! He's on his oxygen more and more lately and it saddens me to see him being able to do less and less. This bothers him, because he's always been "the man" of the house and feels useless now sometimes. I try to ask him to do some little something every day or so for me. Then I make sure and tell him thank you for helping me so much ... it helps him to feel better.
Then there is my son, who hit the brick wall of puberty this year in a head on collision. Attitude {rolls eyes} good Lord where do they get these attitudes! This year so far has included co-ed outings and one small party at our house. Watching the awkwardness of pubescent teenagers was horribly painful and funny at the same time. He's growing out of his clothes as soon as we get them home from the store and is now taller than me ... ack! To top everything off, he has probably failed two of his classes this year ... the summer and next school year is just going to be so much fun. You can tell this is sarcasm, right?
As for me, I'm doing ok. January saw me in the hospital for a week and I've been diagnosed with gastric paresis. What is that? Well it's where the large muscle of your stomach quits working. So needless to say I'm still having many medical issues. However I'm trying to stay upbeat and focused. The main issue right now is the fatigue, God I'm tired all the time. I just don't think many people, unless they are in the same boat, can truly understand what it means to feel exhausted every waking moment of every day. To never feel rested and complete. There may be a light at the end of the tunnel though. In my online Sjogren's group someone mentioned some meds they are taking to battle fatigue. I'm definetly going to by asking my rheumatologist about them at my next appt. Wish me luck!
The rest of my family is doing pretty well. I have a sister, BIL and three neices who are all doing well. My best friend is doing ok and has a new man in her life ... you go girl! Everyone seems to be doing ok, time to take a few deep breaths before the next wave.
First there's my dad, the 69 yr old grump of the family that we lovingly call "The Grouch." He is doing pretty good. No hospital visits for over 6 months. Hooraayy! He's on his oxygen more and more lately and it saddens me to see him being able to do less and less. This bothers him, because he's always been "the man" of the house and feels useless now sometimes. I try to ask him to do some little something every day or so for me. Then I make sure and tell him thank you for helping me so much ... it helps him to feel better.
Then there is my son, who hit the brick wall of puberty this year in a head on collision. Attitude {rolls eyes} good Lord where do they get these attitudes! This year so far has included co-ed outings and one small party at our house. Watching the awkwardness of pubescent teenagers was horribly painful and funny at the same time. He's growing out of his clothes as soon as we get them home from the store and is now taller than me ... ack! To top everything off, he has probably failed two of his classes this year ... the summer and next school year is just going to be so much fun. You can tell this is sarcasm, right?
As for me, I'm doing ok. January saw me in the hospital for a week and I've been diagnosed with gastric paresis. What is that? Well it's where the large muscle of your stomach quits working. So needless to say I'm still having many medical issues. However I'm trying to stay upbeat and focused. The main issue right now is the fatigue, God I'm tired all the time. I just don't think many people, unless they are in the same boat, can truly understand what it means to feel exhausted every waking moment of every day. To never feel rested and complete. There may be a light at the end of the tunnel though. In my online Sjogren's group someone mentioned some meds they are taking to battle fatigue. I'm definetly going to by asking my rheumatologist about them at my next appt. Wish me luck!
The rest of my family is doing pretty well. I have a sister, BIL and three neices who are all doing well. My best friend is doing ok and has a new man in her life ... you go girl! Everyone seems to be doing ok, time to take a few deep breaths before the next wave.
Friday, October 20, 2006
DePreshUn
It's been a very long time since I last posted. No excuses, I've just not made the time to do so. However I read something today, that had me holding my breath and thinking/knowing that someone else does know exactly how I feel. The following is a portion of the blog posting today at Dad Gone Mad ....
"... I remember me. I remember the me I was before this bullshit. I remember being alert and alive and accountable. I remember when I could get through a day without a pill, or the need to put my head down on the desk, or the sight of the collateral damage wrought by something I can't seem to control. All I want is to recapture that old me. But I feel as though I'm running in sand."
I take a deep breath and reread it again ... my chest tightens and my head begins to pound. I reach in my drawer, take my pills, lean over my desk placing my head in my hands and I pray ... just pray that things will get better so I can breathe.
"... I remember me. I remember the me I was before this bullshit. I remember being alert and alive and accountable. I remember when I could get through a day without a pill, or the need to put my head down on the desk, or the sight of the collateral damage wrought by something I can't seem to control. All I want is to recapture that old me. But I feel as though I'm running in sand."
I take a deep breath and reread it again ... my chest tightens and my head begins to pound. I reach in my drawer, take my pills, lean over my desk placing my head in my hands and I pray ... just pray that things will get better so I can breathe.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sleepy!!!!!!
It's Monday ... again and I feel like crap ... again. How can I feel like I spent the weekend partying my ass off and have done almost nothing? I just don't get it. I used to could stay up all weekend and bounce my way into work on Mondays ... now I feel like a slug. Ok, yeah I set myself up with that comment, but hey reality stinks.
What did I do this weekend? Housework, more housework .... drove out past B.F.E. to pick up kittens. Yes, I said kittens ... beautiful Bengal kittens ... stop it, it's not funny ... well maybe it is a li'l bit. Finally got home late that evening, only to have my sweet natured 6 mo. old baby go ballistic on the new babies .... grrrrrrr. So the babies spent the night in my room and we all got a good nights rest .... riiiiiiiight.
Sunday was Dillon's last ice skating lesson .... of the eight (Sundays) in a row. Whew! I'm glad that's over, now that he can ice skate better, I have ice hockey clinics to look forward to. I love hockey ... I not only love the mental aspect of the game; but the physical too. No matter how much I enjoy some of the less physical players, I gravitate toward the more physically aggressive players ... that's just me. However, watching my son get checked is not good for my blood pressure ... LOL! Do you ever get used to it? I guess I'll find out.
So the day is close to being over and I'm daydreaming of my bed ... my bed and SLEEP that is.
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Crappy, shit, ass, DAMN ...
You know how some days you wake up know that the day is just gonna be crappy. I know, I know positive attitude and all that … but no matter how much smiling, laughter and humor is involved in the day … the day is still CRAPPY! … that’s where I’m at today.
First a bit of background … I have issues with inflamed joints … NO not arthritis, or so the specialists say, because that doesn’t show up in my blood work. It was believed last year that I may have Sjorgren’s syndrome, however it didn’t present in the blood work … even though I match 95% of the signs/symptoms. So what? I’m just crazy? Well yes actually, but not like that …
That said, every time I rolled over on my left side last night, I woke up in pain … my hip. I woke up this morning, slid out of bed and listened as the bones in my feet cracked and popped all the way to Dillon’s room. … yes they hurt damnit! This along with some other medical whiney complaints mean that I feel like SHIT!
Next is the contemplative, dark funk I find myself in. I dreamed of my Mom last night, my Mom and financial problems. Being a single mother, NO no child support, I’m pretty much broke all the time. Yes I have a decent job, we don’t go hungry and YES I know there are many people out there in far worse shape than I … still doesn’t stop me from brooding and worrying … ya know?!
So I’m physically hurting and depressed over money issues … then there is my Mom. You know I miss my Mom every day … the times that I think of calling and telling her something astound me … even if it has been five years. She is constantly in my thoughts, whether she glides through on quiet cat paws, with an attitude and whipping tail, or just the tickle of whiskers … she is there … all the time. Rarely however do I dream of her, last night she was there every time I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t having a nightmare or some strange psychedelic dream … just glimpses into the past and scenes out of one of our normal days … mom and I getting ready for work/school … Mom cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning … Mom playing on the deck with baby Dillon. So now I can add retrospective and sad to that list of hurting and depressed.
So no matter how much I smile or laugh today … these things will be on my mind … settled snugly there in the back … ever present. I will take medicine but will have some pain through the day, just a hint, just enough to be aggravating. I think about all I just wrote and think, “Damn girl get yourself together and quit being such a whiny ass!” {sigh} What if I just wanna wallow in my funk … just for the day … just for a little while …
First a bit of background … I have issues with inflamed joints … NO not arthritis, or so the specialists say, because that doesn’t show up in my blood work. It was believed last year that I may have Sjorgren’s syndrome, however it didn’t present in the blood work … even though I match 95% of the signs/symptoms. So what? I’m just crazy? Well yes actually, but not like that …
That said, every time I rolled over on my left side last night, I woke up in pain … my hip. I woke up this morning, slid out of bed and listened as the bones in my feet cracked and popped all the way to Dillon’s room. … yes they hurt damnit! This along with some other medical whiney complaints mean that I feel like SHIT!
Next is the contemplative, dark funk I find myself in. I dreamed of my Mom last night, my Mom and financial problems. Being a single mother, NO no child support, I’m pretty much broke all the time. Yes I have a decent job, we don’t go hungry and YES I know there are many people out there in far worse shape than I … still doesn’t stop me from brooding and worrying … ya know?!
So I’m physically hurting and depressed over money issues … then there is my Mom. You know I miss my Mom every day … the times that I think of calling and telling her something astound me … even if it has been five years. She is constantly in my thoughts, whether she glides through on quiet cat paws, with an attitude and whipping tail, or just the tickle of whiskers … she is there … all the time. Rarely however do I dream of her, last night she was there every time I closed my eyes.
I wasn’t having a nightmare or some strange psychedelic dream … just glimpses into the past and scenes out of one of our normal days … mom and I getting ready for work/school … Mom cooking breakfast on a Saturday morning … Mom playing on the deck with baby Dillon. So now I can add retrospective and sad to that list of hurting and depressed.
So no matter how much I smile or laugh today … these things will be on my mind … settled snugly there in the back … ever present. I will take medicine but will have some pain through the day, just a hint, just enough to be aggravating. I think about all I just wrote and think, “Damn girl get yourself together and quit being such a whiny ass!” {sigh} What if I just wanna wallow in my funk … just for the day … just for a little while …
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Snap, Crackle, Pop
I don't know what's wrong with me ... it's almost Christmas and normally I feel very calm, happy and introspective. Mixed into that are the ever present little periods of sadness and wistfullness, as thoughts of loved ones who are no longer here come to me at odd moments. The memories are bittersweet, but inevitably turn to happier memories.
This Christmas, I just don't know what's wrong ... my Christmas spirit is gone ... hell who am I fooling, it just never came this year! It's seems with all that's been going on, that the protective, vengeful, possibly physical side of me is being channeled this year. WATCH OUT WORLD I have access to a whip and I ain't afraid to crack it!
I think maybe I need some calm, me time .... Hmmm, maybe some kick ass time with a boxing body bag and THEN the meditating, relaxing experience ... maybe it'll work this time?!?
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